Losing Olivia

 

On September 2, 2020, with our families, we laid our perfect baby girl to rest. Her service was just as perfect and beautiful her little life was. 

Throughout this journey with Olivia, I learned that butterflies symbolize babies in heaven, and blue butterflies symbolize trisomy 18. Lately, I have seen a butterfly almost every single day. When I see a butterfly, I think of Olivia. After having Olivia and leaving the hospital, I saw butterflies even when I least expected them. Today, Olivia and I both wear matching butterfly bracelets to have a little piece of each other. I cannot express in words how much I miss her and will continue to miss her, forever. I will never be whole again without her. 

Prior to her service, I found this poem and it couldn’t have been more perfect for her. 

“Don’t weep at my grave, 

For I am not there, 

I’ve a date with a butterfly to dance in the air. 

I’ll be singing in the sunshine, wild and free

Playing tag with the wind, 

While waiting for thee.”

At the end of her service, we released butterflies in her honor. It was something I will never forget for the rest of my life. 

Although knowing the day would come that we would have to lay her to rest, my heart was not prepared for the amount of pain it felt. Our family is forever incomplete without her here.

Losing Olivia, has been beyond devastating. We are still trying to navigate our way through the depths of grief, loss, and heartache. I don’t know if I’ll ever understand why my pregnancy with Olivia turned so badly with no hope in sight. I’ll never understand how or why this happened to her. You always hear in instances like these “heaven needed them more.” I’ll never know how it's possible that heaven could need her more than I do. I have loved her with every ounce in me from the moment she came to be, and I will miss her for the rest of my life. 

I’ll forever miss hearing her heartbeat and feeling her little kicks. It makes me sad to think about being without her. 

It became important to me to make Olivia’s life known. Although she is not here and not seen, she lived. She is incredibly loved, and she is incredibly missed beyond measure. Her little life was brief, but she made an everlasting impact on me. 

I’ll never be able to express the amount of heartache I feel for going through this and losing her. No matter how many times we were told this was exactly what to expect and no matter how many diagnosis’s Olivia had, nothing truly prepared me to actually lose her. I’ll always wish I could have saved her. I’d have done anything I could have to keep her here.

I truly believe we had the best doctors that anyone could ever ask for. I’ll never be able to adequately thank them for everything they did for me, our family, and for Olivia. 

The support system our family has, is the best of the best. I cannot thank our families and friends for everything they have done for us. I don’t know where we would be without them. 

In sharing our story and our experience, I have had countless people reach out to me and share their stories and offer their support. One day, I hope that I can be there for other families who are going through something similar, have gone through something similar, or will sadly go through something similar in their future. It has meant so much to me to have the support I have received from complete strangers who shared their stories and held that space for me, one day I hope I can do the same for someone else.

Thank you to everyone who has been there for us.❤️